Live like you were dying
by MyDarkAngel030
Summary: A heavy risk for his happiness. Her suffering will not end even if death came upon her, she did it for him. She endured the pain, stay by his side and lasted while she still can but her didn't do the same. There is a limitation through everything. She couldn't keep it anymore, so she went on to find the solution to her problem but the payment is lifetime hell yet, she accepted it.


**Please review and rate everyone! Thank you!**

 _ **Don't own the anime!**_

ONE

"Is this your final decision Fine? There's no turning back anymore," He asked me…As I smiled and recall.

We've been together for 4 years, got married, live together. Yet I don't know why his heart is still not mine, we don't have any kids since I didn't want him to have a child on a woman he doesn't even love and have never loved before. It was the matter of our parents, he didn't have any other choice but to agree with the engagement…But, before all of that happened. He dated my twin sister Rein, he loved her with all his heart, but she died due to an illness. Her death was a heavy punishment for Shade he loved her and she loved hi, as well.

I want to make him notice me…But he is only home on weekends, and we didn't have much time to talk to each other about us. Even if he is home, he always reason that he have business to attend to.

It was painful everyday, he avoids me, doesn't talk to me and doesn't even dare to look at me. But, I understand that he feels more hurt compare to me, and what I hate the most is, I can't do anything to soothe his pain and let me share his pain with him.

Over those past 4 years of trying to have a good conversation with him never came. I once handed a divorcement paper to him, but he glared at me and walked away. I don't understand him at all, he doesn't love me yet, he don't want to break up with me. I'm so confused.

I can't take these feelings anymore…the more I see him in despair and hopelessness, the more I regret marrying him. Is he seeing Rein's face whenever he sees me? Is that the reason why he doesn't want to let me go? I don't know…I don't really know.

And so I have decided to go to the mysterious place in the sunny kingdom and there…I found the answer to my problem.

I know that doing this kind of thing is forbidden…but if it makes him happy…I'm happy.

I talked to Gio which was a time expert, what do I mean by time expert? It means that I'm going to travel back in the past, where Rein and Shade is still living happy with no problems.

Gio told me to come back in the morning where I have all of my stuffs, to explain it clearly..Mine and Shade's memory together…We didn't have much memory but what he explained was the wedding dress, the pictures, the gifts all of the things related to me and him. I did what he told me to do.

While I was packing my luggage that night, I remembered the day that Shade went home dead drunk. I was putting him in the bed when he cornered me and stripped my T-shirt wildly, I was kind of shock to it, but I was a bit glad that he noticed me…But then…He mentioned my sister's name. He cried and cried while I lay there dumbfounded.

" _Rein…Rein….Why did you leave me? We could've create our own family that we always dreamed about…I miss you, I want to see you…and I love you very much!"_ I put my clothes on and stood up, I felt hands gripping around my wrist when I was about to leave.

"Don't leave me…"He pleaded, I took his hand and hugged him.

" _I should be the one saying that to you…"_ Before I can burst my tears out, I run out of the room and went to _my_ own room.

 _So this is how it feels when your feeling doesn't cross to the one you love…_ _ **It's too painful**_ _._

It was Sunday and Shade is going to work so early…But before I let him leave, I hugged him back tightly..He was pushing me away, but I tighten my hold and buried my face on his back…I guess this will be the first and the last time I'll be able to hold him like this.

He got irritated and pushed me with so much force that I fell down, I looked up as he looked down to me.

His eyes was so cold…and his eyes was indeed showing me sympathy.

"I love you Shade, I always did. But, in these years we spend together all of those seems to be nothing to you. I wanted you to look at me as me, not Rein. I wanted us to have a very happy and cheerful family…But I guess I should stop dreaming huh?" my tears slide down, he didn't show any reactions to it and just stood there with the same cold eyes.

"Have…a safe trip," I wiped my tears away and smiled widely as soon as I could.

He didn't say anything and just left.

" _So…I was just a substitute for my sister after all,"_ I smiled bitterly, sitting down and cried my eye balls out. No matter how many tears I cry nothing will change! Fine you should wake up from this dream and face the reality! Yes, I sat there for hours and when afternoon came…I headed to Gio's place and gave him my things. He looked at me sadly and said…

"Are you really fine with me doing this?" He asked as I smiled at him weakly.

"If it's part of the process of traveling back in time, it's fine" I didn't hesitate my words and looked at him seriously.

He took all of my stuff and put it down on the big box and lit a fire to burn it all into dust, and as I watch the smoke and the black particles coming out…My tears suddenly flow down.

I can replace Rein and I also can't remove Shade and Rein's memory together…But I wanted to be part of his life, his precious one, someone he can be proud of to have and someone who can fight for his side.

But, I'm the one whose only fighting, struggling and suffering. I should give up…I really should.

"Fine…How about we stop this plan? You can change your life to better," He knows me very well since I often came here when I was little.

"He IS my life… I'm just not the girl for him…Rein is…You can call me for being an idiot about sacrificing my life for just a stupid love…But, I really can't go on anymore…It hurts that it feels like I'm dying alive." I didn't let any tears to be shed and explained things to him.

He looked at me sadly and handed me a square mirror.

Event reflected on the mirror where I saw Shade working (current happening of Shade's side)…He is an electrician and it seems like he was not that busy…But he took something from his pocket and it was a photo…of Rein.

He looked at it with full of desire to see her again.

 _Don't worry Shade, you'll see her soon enough._

I step into the machine thing and it seems like, with that machine I can travel through time.

"Fine…I'm warning you one last time. You know that I'm worried about your decision, once you step into that forbidden spell, after you travel back in time and change things you wanted. You'll go straight to hell…Please stop this," and there, my tears couldn't last much longer and it slide down non-stop.

I shook my head, and I already know what's going to happen to me but, nothing's gonna stop me now and I know that Shade will not come here and stop me.

What Gio meant by straight to hell…He meant the 'Hell of punishment' and that is a hall of mountain where sinners are prisoned in, prisoners who have committed very forbidden things called sin…and I'll die after a few days in there anyway…Since I plan to starve myself to death, and after my death…I'll go right straight to the real hell…Where I'll suffer forever.

I'm admitting that I'm scared…but…Shade's happiness gives me the courage to go on.

I put the code and locked the door tightly…and there the machine works as it should be and with a couple of minutes, I can feel my whole body being sucked into some kind of force that I can't explain…and when I woke up…I was in a strange garden…Yet, it was very familiar to me.

And yes, it was the garden where Shade and Rein met for the first time.

I used the mirror Gio gave me and passed the time forward where Rein's illness begun, and it was in the garden…a poisonous mosquito bit Rein's arm and its deadly poison start spreading in her body.

Since I know the source of her sickness…I reverse the time and took over my own body in the past…I call Rein and said the Shade was calling for her inside the party and so when she turn away I felt the mosquito's bite and it really aches. I went out of my body and the past me went inside having a weird feeling.

And when I skipped the scenes I stopped on the present…My tears burst out…Rein and Shade was getting married and on half of the mirror screen I saw myself laying on the bed…Staring out of the window with pure sadness…No one was there to visit me and take care of me they all attended Shade and Rein's wedding.

I saw a dextrose on my arm and there was a heart beat machine that determines the speed of my heart…I saw myself closing my eyes and letting myself hear that 'Toot, toot' sound.

I saw myself coughed and sat weakly.

(I'll be pertaining Fine as 'she' but she refers to herself since its kinda confusing.)

She reached for the drawer of her table and I saw an old dusty picture…And my eyes widened to see that…it was the same picture I saved and the only picture I can manage to keep! Since Gio asked me to give all of me and Shade's memory or picture together.

So…What I' am seeing now is the future? So when return back in the present time…I'll be in the same room like I'm seeing right now? It was dirty and messy…and as I can explain it..this room is one of the rooms of the 'hell punishment hall'.

I thought that I was gonna die from hunger, but I was gonna die from the illness that Rein experienced.

I looked at myself as she hugged the same photograph and shed tears sadly. I'm really thin huh? And I can't even barely speak, I saw myself lay down back on the bed still holding the picture frame and closed her eyes.

The heartbeat frequency was dropping down…which means that…

I saw my own eyes closed and after three breathe in and out…the heart beat frequency dropped down straight. I really cried hard, since I saw my pale face full of regrets and sadness…I can only see darkness and loneliness.

And then this words echoed…Which was from the future me.

 _ **It's suffocating me…The way I see his smile shine bright and that smile is the only thing he can't even give me, why is life so unfair? Why must I be the only one to experience this pain? I want somebody who can lend me his shoulders to cry on, body to hug on and love to take on. But this must be my destiny…My destiny to die and suffer…alone. But I don't regret doing something forbidden for him and for his happiness….If his happy…I'm happy. I'm sorry that I'm not the girl you wanted to have and I'm not the girl you were longing to have. I'm sorry that it was me…But that's all in the PAST. Be happy and**_ _ **congratulations.**_

The mirror shut down which means that my time is up, and when everything disappeared and when I have come to my senses that I was in the same room I saw in the future…So that could only mean that...My plan was success..I looked around me, nothing but pure darkness.

I'm so thin and I can't even feel my legs…And when everything came in clear, I closed my eyes waiting for the heartbeat sound to drop down….But it didn't….That's weird.

And when I opened my eyes…a black figure stand upon me I was shock since it didn't appear on the future that I saw earlier… as I observed the figure and muttered..

" _Shade? Is that you?"_

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I'm very sorry for another cliffhanger everyone! But I hoped you enjoy the story! Confused whether it's a one shot or couple of chapters? Well then that'll be a decision for now. Please visit my profile if some of you haven't read anything about my often visit in fanfic. Please do comment about this story and thank you for your support once again, I feel like I have wrote a story like this before...have I? Or have I not? Well...then again have a good day! :)

-DenChan


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